Vanity Fair Covers J Lo’s Pain

The Vanity Fair Style Issue arrived today, on two pallets via motor freight. It weighs 1,257 pounds and comes with a HazMat suit and breathing apparatus to prevent possibly fatal exposure to fragrance ads. The issue contains J Lo’s first après-split (from Marc Anthony) interview, the distress of which apparently prompted her and VF’s cover editor to think it necessary to show major proportions of her upper body. Well, at least they’re being up front with us. I interpret this transparency as a reference to the ancient, usually Biblical practice of rending one’s garments while ridden with angst. I’ve called the local bomb squad and Lutheran minister for instructions.

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